Eight years ago when I was in the middle of deciding if I was going to stay in my marriage or not I remember telling a friend that I wanted mad crazy love in my life (looking back maybe I should be more careful with my word choice in the future) even if only from myself. He said to me “especially from you”.
Sitting here, as I did several years before I am wondering how I am doing with having mad crazy love for myself. Two years ago I gave myself a solid B+. This year I am holding steady at an A-. I am still getting better at choosing myself over sacrificing self for others, even though I still struggle with this one with the people that I am closest to. I have found that there are fewer people that I let into my inner circle these days but it has become easier for me to be willing to risk the relationship, it has become easier for me not to abandon myself in the moments where I think I need to make a choice. I know that this is the only way that I can ever truly be seen.
My practice of self forgiveness that took me through a process to heal my body in ways that I wasn’t aware of three years ago is still working me. It is challenging me to claim this new menopausal body, (complete with hot flashes, memory challenges and all) and love it/me completely. It has been its own truth and reconciliation work.
I claim my own growing in eldership in the world. This claiming includes expansion of the magic that I carry and the responsibility that comes with it.
I am learning how to trust others with my work as Tenneson and I step into doing more work together. There has been a call to bring others into it to hold what is being asked of us.
This year it’s a A-. I didn’t reach the A+ I had hoped for and am starting to realize that there may be no such place.
I hope I open wider to the work I have agreed to do as I create systems to support me in what is needed to do this in a health-full way. Last but not least I ask that spirit continues to be patient with me as I grow my belief in the divine order of things.
Happy Valentine’s Day to me
What a lovely message for me to receive in my Inbox this morning. I love the idea of writing a letter/note to myself on Valentine's Day; I am inspired to do the same. And I love the question: do I have mad crazy love in my life for myself first of all? I'm working on it, have been for awhile, though not in those delicious words. So much better (in an expansive way) than "self love." What I like especially is that "mad crazy love" sounds so much more joy-full! It is not compromising or mealy-mouth. It is full on, heart wide open, *love.* Yeah, me, too. I want mad crazy love in my life. Thanks, Quanita, for the beautiful…